Pissing in the tall grass with the big dogs

Thu, 22 Sep 2005 04:41:55 GMT

Tue, 16 Aug 2005 20:02:12 GMT

I havent updated....

well, since I left. Sorrie.

for all of those who made my goodbye a wonderful goodbye, thank you so much! I was thinking about my friends and how much I miss them, and well, that last party was simply amazing.

I will be back soon. When I come back, I will unfortunately live in Salinas, but I hope to see my Davis-Sacramento-SanFrancisco friends regardless of my location. I hope most of you will be available for some partying when this happens.

I havent talked to most of you. Hopefully you will find some time to update me on all your adventures? Please do.

See you in September, my loves.

xo
Yadira

my bathroom mirrors reads.....

Mon, 27 Jun 2005 11:03:19 GMT

of all the things that have come inside my brain today.

you can't have your cake and eat it too.

And I'm sitting here, trying to come up with witty and smart ways to write about my day and what I've learned from it, but it's late and I'm so stoned that all the previous ideas have now escaped my head and I have to think of new ones. I hate having to start over. Shit, now I can't think of any and you'll all have to try to bear with me as I try to explain my thoughts so that maybe for once in His life, He can understand. Are you reading this? Are you paying attention yet? I'm eating an avocado and cream cheese taco. That's right, avocado and cream cheese. Why? Cuz those are the two things I decided to steal from Albertsons today, along with superfood and Archie digest comics. Ghetto you say? Maybe, but your "trill" tattoo on your inner lip will always take the cake. Amie and I were laughing out titties off while trying to finish up a card game with Megan, laughing about the time we looked like stoner retards while watching Air at Coachella. Remembering how happy and carefree I was a year ago almost made me forget todays events. But of course, reading old journals from four years ago and two years ago, and of course, of that time I fell in love with you... well, that just doesn't help now, does it? Reading that, I realized that Even Then, I somehow knew that I would get screwed over. Yet, believing you and every word you said after you said those three distinct words to me, I gave in. I let myself get screwed over and I loved every second of the process. But now this is the aftermath. The "fucks" and the "goddams". The "I hate yous" and the crying that comes with it.

And that's when I realized it. You can't have your cake and eat it too. You fooled me so well today, as I was sitting there under the cooling shade, trying to listen to the words you said. Squinting because I forgot my sunglasses but still looking at you as I tried to convince myself that you didn't look half way decent with your beard. You fooled me so well today, when you told me how perfect I was for you, how much you had loved me, missed me, wanted me to be a part of your life, even if you only meant as a friend. You fooled me so well today, as you tried to explain to me that you knew you would one day regret letting the best thing in your life go. You fooled me today, as you tried to convince me that it was possible for us to still be friends, some day go out and watch a movie, go for a bike ride, you know, those kinds of things. But you don't fool me now. You cannot say you loved me oh-so-much and that I'm perfect for you, but that you'd like to go and leave me, whore yourself out, be single and live it up and hope that I'll wait patiently for you until you're ready for a relationship. You may not have said it, but, ... Do you really expect me to sit here and wait for you until you are done having your fun, until you are done sleeping around and eating chicken, until you are ready for something, that something being me?

I really hope you like your mixed cd. No I wasnt being fasicious.

When you said those words to me, you knew. Oh, yes, you knew that you had pulled me back in. But now you know why I cannot be your friend. If I was your friend.... well, then... I'd never stop loving you.

Sat, 25 Jun 2005 12:03:02 GMT

I wish he were awake....why isn't he awake!????!

Wed, 22 Jun 2005 05:38:21 GMT

I have decided that being a hypocrite is no fun. I take it all back. Fuck.

Sat, 04 Jun 2005 10:06:57 GMT

I'm so excited and happy right now, I could die. Fez, I love you. Amrita, I miss you.

Thu, 26 May 2005 18:48:35 GMT

I need to eat more. but something that isn't red vines. Could you believe I'm cold right NOW? yeah, I need to eat more.

Ahhh, the days of summer....

Wed, 25 May 2005 01:59:25 GMT

We had a bbq. There's more pictures, but I'm too lazy. Bug me if you want them.

Fri, 20 May 2005 06:08:03 GMT

Oh, jeez. I'm completey gone right now and I wish I really were gone. when you are stuck in between letting go and holding on to something better, that space, that area inbetween can feel so...
sigh.
Empty.
(Applause for dramatic effect, thanks).

eh, I was bored, thanks Amrita

Mon, 16 May 2005 20:54:58 GMT

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance.

Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

oooh, these were fun...

Mon, 16 May 2005 03:16:12 GMT

my dear old brain i
tried to forget but now i
could it was your fault

shit. i was the love
that i have lots-o-bruises and
bugs keep attackin

if i don't want to
want. or want to want. or want
to want. or want to

pick and now love has
hurt me in the middle of
weeds it makes me sad

and then i get mad
which makes me sad to see what
she's pointing at and

from the car crash he
walks on my head on his way
under the covers

Mon, 16 May 2005 01:47:27 GMT

I am becoming addicted. No, I am an addict.

Intense

Tue, 10 May 2005 19:27:10 GMT

Someday I'll be pretty and everything will be okay.
Logic will break you heart forever. Be Brave.

Mon, 09 May 2005 02:24:18 GMT

I painted all my toenails except the pinkies. So they look weird. but I was wearing my stilletos when doing them, that's why. but now I have bruises from them. Don't fall asleep in your car then try to run out at two in the morning if your feet are asleep. You will fall hard.

Wed, 04 May 2005 19:34:03 GMT

It's a bad bad day. The weather decided to follow me around today. My head really hurts. I'm not sure if it's from not sleeping, not eating, drinking too much or just having my pigtails too tight. I really like pig tails. Even the name's cute. Dorian is my best friend. He tries to sing me little songs of purring and nudges me when I forget. He walks on my head on his way under the covers to remind me that I'm still alive. No, this is not a bad dream. This is real and I will remind you to feel. But I don't want to feel, I just want everything to be over and I want to be in Oaxaca already, already forgoten about everything with a Corona in my hand, lime in it to make it nice.

I left my towel outside and although it makes me sad to see that red red towel in the middle of weeds, it makes me happy to know that the cats love it. All four of them have now decided that I'm their friend and so is that red red towel. I'm still sitting here... why am I still sitting here?

Tonight was the night.... and he's an asshole.

Wed, 04 May 2005 10:01:34 GMT

Uuuuum, I'm drunk.

But I met Shannyn Sossamon today, so screw you.

Two outta two, I can die happy now.

Oh, yeah, and you are dumb! Deee Youuu EEEm! (you know who you are).

Mon, 02 May 2005 20:45:46 GMT

Emotionally unavailable? Emotional coward. I believed all his lies and trusted him with my heart. He spoon fed me what is now a bunch of bullshit and I'm fucken dying from this poison. Don't ever tell someone something unless you mean it. Unlesss you're willing to follow through. It breaks their heart when you don't.

Sat, 30 Apr 2005 23:49:31 GMT

"all the pretty girls will hold your hand and give you kisses while i remain in DAVIS, CA
i am sitting and sitting and trying to cross my legs appropriately while i smoke those cigarettes that are the most romantic mistake. last time i received a pack of 72's it was also a failed attempt at trying to buy me 27's, i smoked them in a parking and you smoked your little menthol stupid light.
i try look the most white trash ever, sitting in strapless towel dress with matching bra and silver chain around my neck. smoking the mini mistake cigarette, crossing my legs and liking the color of the sky and hoping it will rain. i throw the whole look off by drinking my italian mineral water, but it's straight from the bottle so its alright. i ended it nicely by showing the entire neighborhood my underpants as i turn around and stand up to look at my phone that no one is calling, why is my mood so foul? Maybe i'll just sit on livejournal the whole night writing a marathon entry and choosing which letters to capitalize and choosing which fake punctuation to insert next. I have already done my hair and had an epic battle trying to get the stupid hair clip in so that it holds the right amount of hair in the right place. i do not have any hair spray.
i do not have any hair spray and i hate couples and i hate what i am writing about and i am just going to throw fits this entire weekend. i can feel them coming and i know that this whole weekend i will be in a mood."

Sorrie. It was too perfect and I just had to.

Thu, 28 Apr 2005 19:29:39 GMT

When it rains, it pours.
They say that April showers bring May flowers. I expect a big ass fucken bouquet then.

This is too much.

Wed, 27 Apr 2005 00:26:10 GMT

I
need
to
get
a
life.
No
more
live
journal
for
now.

Tue, 26 Apr 2005 05:51:30 GMT

I almost ran over a snake today. Orange and yellow? Huge. I thought it might be an omen. We'll see. I dunno. I wish I could say that I had a productive day. In productive you mean, lurksie lurk, then yes. But otherwise I just worked for seven hours and did shit. Shit. Oh, but I did have chinese food. For some reason, that always seems to take a long time. The strokes are the shit. I was thinking today...why do I give such a big fuck as to what he is doing every day? But Why Do I Care? I shouldn't. I don't. (That's a lie). Before I met him, his life was meaningless, nonexistent. Now, it's my every day concern. FUCK HIM! Glad I got that off my chest.

And then, I was thinking, Peru would be cool. But Amie doesn't want me to go. Selfish, she said. I agree.

I can't believe I was the one who got away, I can't believe I was the one who had to stay

Sat, 23 Apr 2005 21:35:16 GMT

Weird weird feelings. Like songs. You know how certain songs make you feel something? or someplace? Not a physical place, but a mental place, an emotional place. I heard stone temple pilots interstate love and that was weird.

I can't stop uttering the J-word. J this and J that. That's where J and I first met. That's who we saw. Oh, I remember when J brought me here, for this, for that. Oh, that's J's favorite, his least favorite, oh, he hates that. If it's driving ME insane, I apologize for all those around me who have been with me to hear it. He doesn't think of me, he doesn't remember, reminisce, rejoice. Men aren't all the same, my mother says. But I doubt I will love the way I loved you. A therapist, she says. She's probably right. I remember all those amaaazing moments, and I smile. I dont really remember any of the fights, or if I try, I forget what they were about. So, it's hard to accept that you want out of that. I wanted in that. more in. Dig in. My heart just broke. There's this book, it's poems by all these really young writters and there's a CD that came with it, and there's this song, Number Four, called Loving Pauper by Doug Martsch. Go find it. Listen to it. You'll be glad you did.

On the couch, next to the window that still overlooks an overlooked garden, He said that now, NOW I could do anything.
I thought about that. that ANYTHING. anything is so scary. If someone told you you could do anything, what does that mean? I can't do ANYTHING! I can't have him back, I can't go back in time, I can't fly. I can't leave. oh, fuck. I can't leave. I must stay here. Here, this is killing me. I can't even drive to Sacramento without almost having a meltdown. I can feel the car heat up when I do. I need to go to the dentist. He's gonna have some bad news for me.

dreams

Fri, 22 Apr 2005 15:20:29 GMT

I keep having the weirdest dreams ever.

I need to do laundry. I have like NO bras.

My haircut makes me look asian.

I know, I know

Wed, 20 Apr 2005 22:39:28 GMT

I know that some people out there are saying

"Ha ha, I knew it!"

"I told you so"

"What were they thinking? They were so stupid in thinking it would work!"

That's not very nice. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, not even those I don't like.

And others feel for me, and others are sad, although they don't understand. Thanks.

Ahem...

Wed, 20 Apr 2005 06:23:22 GMT

Okay.
Ima liar. It just takes too long to write in my real journal. and then my fingers hurt. and then I get mad. which makes me want to write about my anger. but I can't cuz my fingers hurt.

I talked to my mom today. It's a funny feeling to connect with someone you have felt so disconnected to before. I don't think it's a start to a wonderful, fruitful relationship of long talks and understanding, but I feel as if a start to something is still a start.

They hurt when I blink, my eyelids hurt. After talking to Ange and eating delicious vegan Thai food, I thought about alot of things. The process is what matters, but this THIS process hurts. the inbetween.

I wish I were a priority. Not an option.

It's a like a bad car crash. He walks away and I look around, wondering if there's anything to salvage. That small child that we made and nurtured to health long ago lies there and cries. How can he walk away from it, just because it has now become bruised and battered from the car crash. It is still beautiful. It is scarred. But it is our own and no one elses. I love this child, this thing that we created together and I cannot stop feeling for it, just because it might die. IT MIGHT DIE. but you cannot say it is dead. If you don't understand why the car crash happened, it does not mean that it was your fault. Or my fault. Although I think it might be since I'm such a bad driver. You are not to blame. but how can you not, when there is nothing in the road? Just don't give up on that child that needs you more than ever, and if you try, you can see it blossom into something beautiful and wonderful.

A while ago, I stubbled across this thing called internet confessions or something like that, I don't remember the link or where I saw it. But there were sooo many funny, interesting and sad things to read.

What's your confession going to be?

Here's mine: Because you were so perfect, I created flaws. I can deal with flaws. I cannot deal with Love. Love has hurt me in the past, but flaws I can point out and try to fix. I flawed you in every way that I could. It was hard. you had so few to pick. and now Love has hurt me once again. But this time, it was the Love that I did not give in return. It's called the Anti-Love.

I basically wish you were an asshole. So that I could hate you so much.

I'm allowing you to tell me what you think. go ahead. Be anonymous.